Helping
a Child Deal with the Stress of Parental Relationships
Is
it ok for parents to fight and argue in front of their
children?
- R.P.
The image that children have of their parents depends
on their age. For a small child (up to five years old),
parents are perfect. They are perceived to be people
who never commit mistakes, who are the source of all
that is good. Thus, children of parents who live harmoniously
also grow up and mature harmoniously. On the other hand,
children of problematic parents often become insecure
and disoriented themselves.
A
child of this age is still egocentric (focused on himself),
so when his parents fight, he experiences much stress.
He finds it difficult to understand why his parents
have the problems they do and more importantly, why
they have different, and oftentimes, opposing ideas
on things. And for the child, when he sees his parents
fight, he thinks it’s his fault. He thinks he
has done something bad and so, his parents are angry.
With this anxiety, we see a lot of strange behaviors,
like: children hurting one another other; kids repeatedly
saying sorry; children who would do anything and everything
to attract the attention and affection of their parents.
But
things change when the children get older and, in a
way, are now able to understand that adults may argue
and disagree on certain things, but that they don’t
necessarily lose that care and concern for each other.
If
the quarrel ends in an agreement, the child understands
that having different ideas can be useful if, at the
end, an agreement is possible, and that the world does
not crumble if his ideas are different from those of
other children.
But
let me point out to parents that whatever the ages of
your children, fighting in their presence always makes
a negative impact on them.
May
I suggest that with children less than six years old,
it is advisable not to fight in their presence. Yet
if it should happen, parents must ask their children’s
forgiveness. They must assure the child that he is not
the cause of the fight and that they always want the
best for him.
With
older children, it is important to apologize for fighting
in their presence and if possible, these parents should
come to an agreement.
And
what if the parents don’t reach an agreement?
It is always favorable for the children to witness goodness
if one of the parents, the father for instance, says
to the child: “You see, your Mom and I don’t
agree on this matter because we have different ideas.
But for now, let’s do what mom says.”
From
this selfless act of a parent, the child will understand
that what counts more is not who is right or wrong,
but the love existing between his parents which enables
them to go beyond their differences.
Ezio
Aceti with Jenni Bulan
Back
to top |
The end of a relationship is always traumatic and very
unsettling. We may ask ourselves, “What kind of
a person am I if the one I love does not even want to
talk to me? I must be a complete disaster and life no
longer has any meaning at all.”