Looking for My Father

“My parents have been separated for many years. I have been waiting for my father to apologize for the pain that he has caused me, but until now, he has not yet done so. Perhaps it’s better to forget him but I don’t think I can.”
- G. P.

an apology from parents can often be let down. The fact that a parent, who has brought you into this world, abandons you – his child—can cause a deep wound. It is understandable if we demand an explanation or expect them to ask for forgiveness. But sometimes, as in your case, this doesn’t happen.

With the passing of years, relationships can become increasingly strained. This may affect how we relate with other people who have hurt or are hurting us; and this may rob us of inner peace.

Trying to forget them is often an attempt to escape from reality and may lead to more delusions.

I know other young people in the same situation as yours. They do not seek excuses/explanations and/or forgiveness, but instead, make themselves fully aware of the peculiar situation their families are in. As a result of this, they have courageously gone a step further by forgiving their parents and subsequently found inner peace. To do this difficult and painful task, one needs to go beyond one’s role as a child, and try to understand that parents, just like everyone else, have their own limitations and shortcomings.

This is not to justify what they did, but to simply accept them as they are, warts and all.

Some have succeeded in doing this, accepting the situation and finding peace. Others have even been able to re-establish contact and rapport with the estranged parent, and reciprocate the gift of life offering the parent a new opportunity for a better quality of life.

Certainly, these are not easy steps, but courageous ones that can lead to great hope, joy and peace.

Franceso Chatel

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Tired Mothers

“In the evening when I get home, tired and exhausted from work, I often get this feeling of being a failure as a mom…”
- Alice

Dear Alice, thank you for your beautiful letter that honestly expresses what many parents often go through when raising their own children: a sense of failure and discouragement. But I am convinced that educating our children comes about not so much because of the correct things we do, but also from the determination to question oneself: am I doing the right thing? We should always have that desire to start again when we fall, have the courage to go beyond our convictions, to let ourselves be influenced by the relationship we have with others and to be guided by our values. It may be helpful to go over some ideas about formation.

In raising our children, there will be times when there is a meeting of minds and at other times, a clash of ideas.

Usually, the parents are never always correct, while the child is never always wrong. It is necessary to understand each other’s reasons. It is important that both parent and child are able to openly and freely express themselves.

Our children don’t need perfect parents, but human parents: those who apologize when they are wrong and are willing to start over again.

Often, parents may have different views with each other, and this can be an enriching experience if they both strive for a compromise out of love for one another and are ready to give up their views/opinions for the other partner. When children see their parents discussing an important issue, they will realize that adults can have different opinions. And if their parents can come to an agreement in the end, they will understand that having different ideas is even better as this will establish a truer relationship. With this experience, parents can be not only friends of their children, but also points of reference for them. They must be able to say “yes” or “no” with conviction and without fear if their children will agree with them or not; and to be open to accept the difference of opinions anyway. What is important is to preserve that relationship despite conflicting ideas. Formators, as we parents are, are human beings. They too make mistakes. But they have that desire to always start anew and re-establish relationships.

Ezio Aceti

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